Heaven BucksTM are now available!
What are Heaven BucksTM? Simply the most revolutionary, new, and exciting product since indulgences. Pay for and receive as many as you'd like now for future use in your afterlife. They are available in certificate, electronic, or blind-faith varieties. Discounts are available to wholesalers, retailers, and bulk purchasers. The highest price you will pay is $.01 for $1 in Heaven BucksTM. That means the worst interest rate you will receive is over 5% compounded annually should you live over 90 years from the date of purchase. However, if you live only 10 years (God forbid) from the date of purchase your rate of return will be over 60% compounded annually! Unlike insurance companies, major religions, and the Bible itself at times we do not discriminate based on age, race, gender, species, or sexual preference. Everyone gets the same low rate which, again, will never exceed $.01 for $1 in Heaven BucksTM.
Is this a scam? Absolutely not. Heaven BucksTM are certified by God Himself. Through prayer God will confirm the legitimacy of your Heaven BucksTM. If you receive a negative answer or lack of an answer to your prayer you simply need to try again. If your prayers continue to go unanswered you need to do the following: a) read your scriptures on a daily basis, b) increase your faith, c) cease to affiliate with 'evil doers' (including yourself), and d) find out why you have lost the spirit. If the process fails, you will need to repeat the above steps until you receive the correct answer.
Sound too good to be true? Wait! There's more. You can become an employee of Heaven Bucks, Inc. too! Read on.
Heaven Bucks, Inc. offers the coolest jobs with the best benefits on the planet... or er, the best benefits in your lifetimes. You see, we don't actually pay with dollars that can be spent on this planet. We pay with something better! We have an unlimited number of job openings. Everyone that applies will get a job. Those who put in more hours will, of course, be paid more. Your medical benefits in the next life are taken care of. We offer a 50% match on post-death contributions and stock options payable in Heaven BucksTM. We are one of the few companies listed on Heaven's own stock exchange. Vacation is available on religious holidays, but should you choose to work those days too, your Heaven BucksTM salary will double. (People tend to be home on those days so if you are in our sales department your sales of Heaven BucksTM will likely be larger than a on a normal day--thus earning you additional commissions--once again, fully paid in Heaven BucksTM.) Our education and developmental programs cannot be beat. Since we provide all of life's answers to you, your mind can take this life off and simply rely on our experts.
The best part about being an employee with Heaven Bucks, Inc. is your salary! Unlike typical salaries which can fluctuate, be spent too quickly, lost, or stolen, your salary at Heaven Bucks, Inc. is 100% guaranteed and safe from your spending or loss. Our compensation packages are also very lucrative. The word "competitive" doesn't do your new Heaven Bucks, Inc. salary justice. For instance, if you bring a skill set to the table which would pay $30k annually at another company, you will likely make over $30 million Heaven BucksTM every year at Heaven Bucks, Inc.! All deposits are made directly to your account regardless of how well the company is currently doing. See if you can find another company that can make such a boast!
The moral of the story is... if you don't trust the products you buy or the paycheck you receive to faith in something for which you have no evidence, why would you use a similarly faulty methodology for other aspects of your life? [an error occurred while processing this directive]